Raw

Raw is a really good way to describe how I feel tonight.  I went home for easter and came back to my apartment tonight.  I drove past the funeral home where my grandmother's funeral was  held and then the cemetary where her grave is.  There were little pockets of families visiting graves and laying flowers.  I wondered how long it had been for them.

In some ways it's nice that life moves on, and in others it's just heart wrenching. she'll see me get married or have children, or see me fall madly in love with some guy.  My younger cousins will never know the grandmother I knew.  The strong, capable, smart woman who was always a constant in my life.  Some of my cousins won't know her at all.

Then I remember how spent I was after visiting her in the 6 weeks she was in hospice care and how awful it was for every single person in the family.  I remember the hours I spent in the car and sitting her in little apartment with my aunt and other family.  I remember wondering how much longer this would go, because we couldn't keep doing this forever.

I know the universe doesn't make mistakes, and what happened is for the best, but it doesn't make it easier.